Another Terrible MCU Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

Mild Spoiler Warning*

No, I cannot say I was “hooked on a feeling,” as the kids say.

What drives a story? Well, other than the plot, obviously, I think in most cases the answer is character. Characters are what make us come back time, and time again to watch the fight against unfamiliar evils. Okay, now imagine your favorite characters are poorly written, and changed for nothing more than having a narrative that is in no way good. That is the experience you’d find watching Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3.

There are a few qualities that define the Guardians franchise; Heart, humor, and character. These are the exact qualities that are either terribly executed or vacant from the final film in the trilogy. This time around, the story is centered around the backstory of Rocket Raccoon, presented through flashback sequences that appear mostly whenever writer and director, James Gunn, doesn’t feel like ending a scene properly.

These sequences show Rocket’s creation, and his upbringing by Vol. 3’s villain High Evolutionary. We see Evolutionary experimenting on different animals (which are all from Earth even though he’s in the far reaches of space, but, whatever) on his quest to make a perfect society. If he didn’t experiment on animals, and they weren’t animated so cute with the music being whimsical, no one would have cared about these flashback sequences. Not to say Evolutionary is doing any good, but it’s a sad excuse to give the audience a reason to hate the villain because it’s human nature to not want animals to be abused.

The worst abuse seen in the story is the rewrite of almost every major character in the film. Star-Lord becomes an idiot who can’t make a plan to save his life, Groot only exists anymore to fly the ship, aside from a scene or two, Nebula reverts back to who she was in the first film, and Mantis is treated as a joke even though she became a crucial member in Vol. 2 and Infinity War. Drax seems to be the only character whose choices are within character, and late in the film has a very heartwarming moment.

Gunn realized that if the Guardians actually got along and worked as a team like they did when we last saw them, the movie would only be about 20 minutes long, so he makes the clever choice to make everyone argue just because. The Guardians always had different opinions that clashed, but they never hated each other.

A few new characters are introduced but the only one worth mentioning is Adam Warlock, played by Will Pouter. Warlock was clearly thrown in at the last minute because he was set up in one of the several end-credit scenes from Vol. 2, as his character has nothing to do in this movie. His screen time is limited to around 10-15 minutes and there is only one scene where he’s actually needed. It should also be noted that he is literally the same character as Drax, a big-strong-guy who acts childish.

There are one too many moments scattered throughout the plot that only happen because otherwise, the film would have no plot. From the very beginning to the end, the narrative is filled to the brim with writing choices that are stupid. The easiest example of this is Star-Lord does not ever use his helmet and flying boots, and there is no explanation as to why.

Near the end, there’s a scene in which had he worn the gear he does in every other movie we’ve seen him in, a massive problem would have been entirely avoided. The two actual, real reasons given for the absence of his iconic gear, from the mouth of James Gunn, “It’s [Star-Lord’s Helmet] in his desk drawer in Knowhere. He had to get out of there fast you know!” And the other being, “They have jet packs. The rocket boots comparatively suck.” So, yeah…..

The humor is almost nonexistent for the final entry in the action, comedy franchise. When a moment is somewhat funny, the joke is dragged out an entire scene or in some cases, the whole movie. The new comedy can be found in moments of hilarity like men being incinerated alive barely off-screen. (Hahahahaha sooooo funny!!!) The closest thing to a good joke found here is dropping the F-bomb which will more than likely get a chuckle.

The music choices have been within the franchise’s DNA since the beginning. While some of the songs on their own are fine, their incorporation is awful. There are two moments where you’ll go, “Oh I see why they added that, smart.” The other times are either just bad songs, or so shoved in your face that there’s no way you wouldn’t understand what’s trying to be said.

There’s a moment where Rocket is listening to “Creep” by Radiohead because that’s a song about feeling like a loser and being different. Do you get it? Oh, you don’t? Well no worries, they play the whole song, so that you get that Rocket is listening to the song because that’s how he feels. Do you get it? Isn’t that clever???? I’m James Gunn, I’m clever, I’m making the next Superman movie and no, it won’t have Henry Cavil.

We lost, there’s no other way to put it, the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) is dead. Guardians of the Galaxy Vo– oh yeah, wait, there’s this part where they give Groot wings, and he flies… It was terrible. Anyway, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is a cosmic disaster. Aside from one moment with Drax being fatherlike, these aren’t my Guardians, I’m sorry. As far as I’m concerned the Guardians are still looking for Gamora with Thor as set up at the end of Avengers: Endgame, the last great MCU project.

This was supposed to be the last good MCU movie, instead, it’s only another reminder that modern Hollywood hates everything you love. Absolutely, had this been Spider-Man 67, I wouldn’t have cared about a lot of the smaller things brought up in this review. Unfortunately, for James Gunn, the Guardians of the Galaxy movies are some of my favorites of all time, I loved Star-Lord, the themes of love & family, and of course the awesome music.

When I walked out of the theater I felt hopeless, sad, and disappointed. That’s not how you should feel walking out of a Marvel movie, especially a Guardians film. But that isn’t what Vol. 3 really is, it’s a James Gunn movie, and I’ve come to realize unless a studio or producer guides him, Gunn has no idea how to make a good movie.